Occasionally, when my good family gets up to attend church, I decline. In past years, I sometimes made up a headache (not always made up after Saturday night), a sore throat or female malady. These days, I just decline on the basis of not being able to face my closet. It seems monumental, especially in winter, to pull together an outfit. So, sometimes, I opt to be home alone. This allows for my favorite indulgence ever, the Doris Day movie event.
Inevitably, on any given Sunday, (take that, you sports freaks), there will be a Doris Day movie playing during the morning hours. If the day is cloudy and cold, it is almost too delicious to bear.
I get that women needed to vote, I understand equality, I fully agree that women should be paid on level with men, but ladies, ladies, oh what we let slip along the way.
There are 11 truths that can be gleaned from Doris Day. They are, in no particular order:
- Gold Lame goes with anything. If you are wearing your husband’s t-shirt and boxers and whip on a gold lame wrap, you can achieve a glamour level of 7 or above in an instant.
- If you just use a soft voice and a lovely smile while you are plotting something devious, adding in a sexy nod of the head, you will certainly get away with it. I’m sure DNA evidence and detailed autopsies will make this harder for today’s ladies, but, in the event of questioning, I’d again suggest the lovely toothy smile.
- Every woman should own and wear long silk peignoir sets instead of the aforementioned t-shirt and boxers. Apparently, the sight of these render a man senseless and this, girls, is when you should ask for that kitchen remodel or new car. If you are asking for a new kitchen, I know a really good designer.
- A rich handsome man can always be reformed.
- If one is angry, there is no need to swear, crossing one’s eyes and blowing one’s bangs is enough to cause husbands, shopkeepers and milkmen to quake. In this case, I’d have to agree. Today’s TV has upped the epic tantrum level across the board and no one pays attention to an angry chick unless a car is driven through the garage door or something is thrown and broken. I say, bring back the seething and the searing looks.
- There just can’t be enough satin, leopard prints, and kitten heels in our lives.
- Periodically, men should be coming home with gifts artfully wrapped where we can just lift off the lid and the box will remain beautiful. There should be something really good in there. Really good.
- Everyone needs a handsome gay friend like Rock Hudson.
- Women look great in hats. When and why did we give up hats? Women love accessories and we just let that one get away. I submit that the emergence of the enormous handbag is overcompensating our phantom pain over the loss of our hats. Can you imagine going shopping with your friend and getting a fabulous hat? Taking it home in a box? How fun would that be? If every woman went out today and purchased a glamourous hat and we all agreed to wear them, say, next Tuesday, we could change the world.
- All the remaining problems in the world, once we bring back hats, can be solved while talking on the phone to our best friend while sitting in a bubble bath.
- Sleeping with Cary Grant is the best revenge. Wait, that just slipped out. Well, I’ll let it stand because, um, CARY GRANT! Without a doubt still the dishiest man ever. Ever.
So, by the time my family comes home I’m out of bed, a blue bird on my shoulder, wearing an apron and humming a tune. If I knew how to bake a pie I would, but I don’t want to have to try out the toothy smile while explaining poisoning to the police just yet. These movies give me a happy feeling all day and it makes me think that we’ve gone awry somewhere. Things just seemed lovelier back then. I am longing for a big hairdo and a pastel colored car.
My Doris has, in fact, given us many life lessons not the least of which is why have we given up being glamorous? Today, let’s all put on our gold wraps and false eyelashes, don our heels and try out our lovely smiles and nods today and see just what we can get away with.
I can’t pass a millinery department without trying on the hats. I figured it was because I was a hooker in a previous life, but perhaps it’s just the remnants of Miss Day longing to get out for one last stroll…