- Why a dog will stand and bark for 20 minutes at a napkin ring that has rolled under the table in the dining room until I come and tell him it’s okay, I see it. Then it is, apparently, fine.
- Why the Goose can drink six Mountain Dews a day, a sleeve of cookies and three giant meals and remain slim while I exist on two celery sticks, one saltine and one chardonnay. Seems downright unchivalrous.
- Why people are interested in celebrities. I don’t get it. When I have been forced to watch TMZ, I don’t know anyone except Donny Osmond and Cher. How do people keep up with these HoneyJerseyHousewifyboo people and WHY? Isn’t life interesting enough right outside our doors, if not quite as trashy?
- Why anyone enjoys Christmas at all. It seems like a big ol’ mess to me.
- Why a woman, with H1N1, a throbbing ovarian cyst and a mortal shaving injury can still do six loads of laundry, find tights that match her daughter’s outfit, mentally located her teen aged son anywhere in the cosmos at any given second, run five miles, uphill, and still keep her home smelling like lemons while a man can sneeze and take to the bed, moaning and crying for soup like he enjoyed, from a dented, discounted can, when he lived with his mother, and no one even questions it.
- Why someone can’t find an earth changing use for those “silk” ficus trees from the eighties. Everyone had one, some had two. No one has them now. There must be a giant “silk” ficus forest somewhere. Could they be used in prisons? I think this is a thought for our representatives.
- Why do we continually allow everyone to think for us? My car tells me when and how to back up, my appliances tell me what they’re thinking, 20/20 tells me how large my meal from McDonalds should be, my government tells me everything else. My inner rebellious princess is getting pretty tired of it all. Am I normal? Isn’t anyone else feeling like they want to be a little, I don’t know, deviant? I may have to roll someone or something. Graffiti anyone?
- Why do strangers sometimes call me “hon”. Sounds snippy, I know, but it makes me really cranky. The Goose gets nervous when a waitress directs a “hon” toward me. My gentleman neighbor calls me “little princess” and I’m good with that. “Hon”, however, makes me want to snap my gum and order chili and black coffee from a woman named Flo. I just don’t like it.
- Gravity. I include this for my daughter, who worries about me and my Dekalb County education. As evidenced in a conversation with her recently, “gravity, it just don’t make sense”.
How is it a house that looked sparkly and clean in the morning can look like a crack house by 6:30 in the evening? In a direct link to number 9, is it possible there are small gravity deposits under the floor and on the bench in the mudroom, under the counters, under every surface within 30 feet of the door that would cause people to throw down their mail, books, scarves, jackets, cups still full of red colored drinks, shoes, bras (!?!) or anything they wanted out of their cars and LEAVE them there until they are put away. Bowls and plates of food, NEXT TO THE SINK! Does anyone every wonder how they get put away? People today are too soft, brought up with fairy tales and elves. I think family members need to be sat down and told the truth about the chore fairy, shown a picture of her haggard self, low on botox and hair color, pajamas held up by one remaining strand of elastic, swollen eyes from wine and salty food consumption. Show them the real truth, the crime scene photos, the haggard mess the chore fairy has become, and maybe, just maybe, we can save the chore fairy. Every time a cup is placed in the dishwasher, a chore fairy loses a wrinkle. I do believe, I do.
I love this “Why a dog will stand and bark for 20 minutes at a napkin ring that has rolled under the table in the dining room until I come and tell him it’s okay, I see it. Then it is, apparently, fine.” only a true dog lover would reassure their petchild like that. And btw, that photo at the bottom is SCARY!
The voice of a nation! Anyone with any common sense, irrespective of their grossly maligned DeKalb Co education, agrees 110% with each and every point. There is a special place in my rebellious soul for #7. RISE UP!