A word about food. It plagues us women. I used to be a girl who forgot to eat. I was so slim I would whip off my clothes at any opportunity. My pantry contained paint cans, twist ties and car keys. All that changes with kids. First, they cause you to get fat and then they cause you to carry food with you everywhere. Sitting at a playground can cause any woman to nip into the Goldfish while wishing for vodka. I hate Goldfish and have eaten at least a semi-truck load out of desperation.
My daughter, Cricket, was a fabulous eater in the beginning. I raised two vegetarian kids, no milk, no meat, but she ate everything else with gusto. People would stop and pat her golden curls in restaurants to see her bearing down on her plate like a lumberjack. All that changed, though. Now, she is unable to have her food touch other bits of food. Food must be white or light in color, no sauce or “green things” (parsley) decorating it. Many would say, “ah, toddlers are notoriously picky eaters”. Cricket is a sophomore in college.
My friend and running partner, Peaches, is at the opposite end of the spectrum. I have never seen such a small person put away such copious amounts of food. She dreams of food, fantasizes about it. Her eyes widen and shine at the thought of it. She recently volunteered at a food pantry and shoved food they deemed too disgusting for hobos into her pockets for later. Several incidences with Peaches have concerned me lately. A while back we were on our street coming home from a long run when she spots something shiny on the road and makes a beeline towards it like a chicken on a slug. It turned out to be a Snickers. A Snickers that has been crushed by a car. “No, Peaches”, I begin but she is already listing reasons why it’s okay. It’s in our neighborhood, the wrapper is still on, etc. Peaches consumed that Snickers in front of me. Two weeks ago we saw a plastic Easter egg on the side of the road. Now, this was NOT in our ‘hood and, indeed, was near a house where there are cars jacked up on blocks protected by pitt bulls. I don’t care about your argument for pitt bulls, you pair them with a transmission hanging from a tree and the result is not good. Opening the egg, she discovered candy. Can I mention that Easter was almost six months ago? Where has this egg been? Who packed it to begin with? I have long wanted to do a coffee table book about things I see on the side of the road when running. I never thought Peaches would EAT one of them.
It all goes to the grip food has on us beleaguered women. I can be going along fine, fitting into my jeans with room for a friend and, BAM, a chip will whisper to me as I pass through the kitchen. It will beg for me to release it’s friend cheese dip from the cold prison of the fridge and reunite them with their mother, margarita. It’s a vicious cycle, food. As we get older we have to budget our calories, nutrition and fiber and give up chewing altogether. I am thinking that my rise to fame is going to occur with the invention of the metastolifruiti, a combination of metamusil, vodka and grapefruit juice, for antioxidants to keep our skin fresh. It’s a well-balanced diet all around.